I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
