A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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