Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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