I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
