Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
