I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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