He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
