Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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