i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize