I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
