you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
