I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
