This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
