Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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