and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
