She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
we're so committed to being not committed
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
