; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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