White coat. Heels.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
