I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
