Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
