I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
