Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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