Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
