where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
