okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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