i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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