But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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