At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
