so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
