Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I am spending my child support on dildos
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
