Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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