Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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