I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Be still, my beating vagina.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
