I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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