They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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