so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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