Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
