come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
