So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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