the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
