Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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