in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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