That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
