Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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