when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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