I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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