Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
