At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
