Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Houston, we have a blender
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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