I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
