Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
