so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
