How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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